


Sooner or Later

by ByTheAngell (SomeLittleInfamy)



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Insecure Magnus Bane, Light Angst, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, POV Magnus Bane
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-07
Updated: 2018-11-07
Packaged: 2019-08-20 01:07:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16545887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomeLittleInfamy/pseuds/ByTheAngell
Summary: As Magnus adapts to his newfound vulnerability he promises himself that he's going to tell Alec soon...





	Sooner or Later

**Author's Note:**

> Set around the 3x12 Malec Sneak Peek

Alec is home and resting. He’s healing and he’s going to be alright with time. With much reluctance his family and friends leave their constant vigil by his bedside at the Loft and go home, back to the Institute, until only Catarina is left waiting in the living room. 

“I’ll be right back,” Magnus says, placing a soft kiss on Alec’s cheek as he gets up to leave the bedroom. “Do you need anything before bed?”

Alec shakes his head, then looks considerate. “Maybe a glass of water.” 

Magnus nods. “I’ll be right back, I just have to say goodbye to Cat.”

“Thank her again for me, will you?”    
  
“Of course, dear.” 

Magnus looks back twice before he even finishes crossing the room, afraid if he takes his eyes off of Alec for even just a second something terrible might happen to him. He’ll suddenly vanish, or the hole in his chest will open back up, or Lilith will return to finish what she started. He knows it’s ridiculous, and that even if he were to remain in the room he could barely help with any of those possibilities, but he fears these things all the same. 

Magnus shuts the door softly behind him, walking to meet Catarina by the sofa. She’s tired from healing, and from being awake well beyond her double shift at the clinic, but she remains there resolutely waiting for him as requested.  

“So?” He asks eagerly, voice low. 

“The wards are reinforced. I made three batches of the healing potion Alec took earlier - two should be more than enough but better safe than sorry. Also a sleeping drought, in case the pain is too much and he’s restless.” She looks around the room, searching for any sign of something she may have forgotten, nodding when she’s satisfied there’s nothing left. 

“Thank you,” Magnus breathes out, the relief palpable. “This means so much more to me than I can-” his voice breaks off. “I don’t know how I can ever repay you.” 

“Don’t worry about it. But Magnus… you have to tell him.” 

“No,” he says, and he doesn’t bother to hide the dread from the word because Cat would see it in him anyway. She always does.  “Not yet.”

“You can’t hide it forever. He’s going to find out sooner or later, and it’ll be a lot better coming from you now.” 

“I know. And I promise, I will. Just… not now. With Clary gone, and Jace recovering, he-- there’s enough on his mind without this. He doesn’t need to worry about me, too.”

“...doesn’t he? Because I certainly do.” 

Magnus winces at her words, at the implication that he needed to be worried about. “I’m fine.”  

“Please don’t wait too long. It isn’t protecting him to keep him in the dark about this. And if you aren’t going to talk to him, will you at least talk to me about it?” 

“I’m--” he starts, but his words fall off at the sound of shuffling feet behind him. 

“Talk about what?” Alec asks from the hallway. 

Magnus pales, a panicked look at Catarina crossing his features for just a moment before he recovers. “--About how to keep a certain someone from getting out of bed the moment I turn my back,” he covers quickly. “What are you doing up?!” 

Alec knows Magnus is deflecting but he’s too weary to make a fight of it, much to Magnus’ relief. “No one would let me so much as sit up in bed all day. I needed to get out of that room.” Alec goes to the fridge and flinches against the effort of pulling the door open to get the water out. “Just the water, then I’m back on bedrest. Promise.” 

Cat looks like she might say something but a warning look from Magnus stops her. They hold a silent conversation between them over the course of the next 15 seconds, pleading glances and stubborn head shakes ending only when Alec starts to walk back towards them. 

“I’ll talk to you tomorrow, Cat. Thank you again.” Magnus says, clearly ending any discussion for now.  

Catarina can only sigh in return. “Goodnight. Rest up, both of you. Doctor’s orders.” 

“Yes, ma’am.” 

Magnus lets her out and turns back to Alec. 

“You head back to bed, I’ll be in in a minute.” 

It isn’t until Alec is back in the room that Magnus methodically checks every potential entrance to the Loft, starting with double-checking the locks on the door. He moves to the latches on the windows, every last one of them in the entire loft, before circling back to check the front door one more time. He’s almost back to the bedroom when he can’t remember if he stopped to check the door to the balcony, and the fact that he managed to forget that one the first time around brings him circling through the doors and windows one last time, just to be safe. 

He knows the wards are up - no part of him doubts Cat’s abilities, but… he can’t  _ feel _ them, not anymore. All he feels is the vulnerability of being defenseless in his own home, and now he can’t even sense the protective warding up around them enough to take any comfort in even that. Magnus feels the anxiety well up in his chest at the thought of anything happening while Alec is here and he’s unable to protect him, the way he wasn’t able to protect him against the Owl, or from Lilith when she took Jace away from them in this very spot. 

He walks around and blows out any still-lit candles. He turns off the lights, one by one, nearly forgetting where half of the light switches are located along the walls for how long it’s been since he used them. Everything takes so much more time than he imagined it would, doing it without magic. He washes the makeup from his face, takes the chipped nail polish off of his finger nails with pink tinted remover that smells terrible, and removes his jewelry a piece at a time. The whole process takes so long that Alec is nearly asleep by the time Magnus finally returns to the bedroom. 

“What took you so long?” Alec mumbles, eyes blinking slowly, heavily.   
  
“Oh, just tying up a few loose ends,” Magnus says as he sits on the edge of the bed. It isn’t a lie, he reassures himself. He doesn’t want to lie to him, he just doesn’t want to tell him the truth. That isn’t the same thing. 

“What was Cat saying earlier? What did you need to tell me?” 

"Nothing that can’t wait until tomorrow, darling. Get some rest, now.” 

And Alec is too exhausted to argue, eyes already falling shut longer and longer with every blink until he’s fast asleep. 

Magnus eases out of bed to lock the bedroom windows before sliding under the covers himself, though sleep doesn’t come for a very long time. Tomorrow, he thinks. He’ll talk to Alec tomorrow. 

\---

Magnus wakes up before the sun rises. Alec is still snoring softly beside him when he shifts off the side of the bed, sliding his feet into slippers to make his way silently to the bathroom. He washes, dries, and styles his hair, thinking all the while that he doesn’t remember it taking this long before. The product doesn’t hold the way his magic normally would and it takes him an extra 15 minutes just to get it to stay. Even as he tells himself that he’s going to tell Alec the truth this morning he’s already subconsciously trying to hide any sign that anything is amiss with his magic.  

He has just enough time to apply basic eyeliner before he first rays of sun shine in through the windows and he’s forced to abandon his makeup before he even has a chance to paint his nails. Not that it matters, he promises himself, since he’s going to tell Alec and he’ll realize  _ why  _ his boyfriend is lacking all of his usual adornments. 

Magnus starts breakfast, makes coffee, and nearly ruins the eggs when he forgets how long they take to cook the mundane way. He ignores the knowledge that he woke up two hours earlier than he had to in order to get all of this done before Alec starts to stir, because he  _ isn’t _ covering anything up - he’s cooking so there’s something nice to soften the blow. He’s definitely going to tell him. 

Alec is already sitting up in bed, golden sheets pooled around his stomach and over his lap, when Magnus comes in with the tray of breakfast and coffee, a single flower in a small glass vase just for show. 

“Is today a special occasion?” Alec asks, eyeing the breakfast in bed with a pout. Magnus knows that look - Alec’s trying to remember something, something from the night before, but he can’t. His mind is hazy from sleep and medicine and potions and Magnus knows he should just get it over with. But when he opens his mouth what comes out instead is:    
  
“It’s your day off, and I want to make the most of it.” Magnus sits on the side of the bed, sliding the tray over with a small, satisfied smile. It took his entire family and the insistence of himself and Cat to convince Alec to take the extra day off after waking up to just relax and heal properly, no matter how insistent he’d been the night before that he was well enough to sit behind a desk at the Institute. 

“It’s actually really sweet.” 

“Mmmm,” Magnus hums, smiling wider now. “I thought so.” Alec smiles back and in that moment everything feels like it might be okay. That this is a new normal they can fall into, and maybe it isn’t going to be as terrifying as he’s worried it might be… And then Alec reaches for the tray and winces, biting back a gasp of pain when the movement pulls at his wound. 

“Alexander,” Magnus says, already bringing his hands up towards his boyfriend’s chest before stopping abruptly and allowing them to fall over Alec’s own hand instead, giving it a squeeze. Full of muted horror at the realization that in this moment there’s nothing he can do to help him, Magnus can only watch and wait. Alec is in pain and he can’t heal him. He can’t even conjure up a glass of water when the sharp intake of breath makes the Shadowhunter cough, forcing him to reach for the coffee on the tray instead. 

Magnus is afraid to ask if he’s alright because if the answer is ‘no’ he doesn’t know what he’ll do, and he knows now that his previous moment of hope was foolish. This isn’t okay. This is never going to be okay and it certainly isn’t a normal he ever wants to get used to. He feels empty and broken and more afraid than he did getting ready to go to Edom. The void he feels threatens to consume him but he won’t allow it, repeating to himself that he’s fine and it’ll pass - it has to, because how can he expect Alec to rely on him if he’s falling apart more and more with every passing moment? 

“I’m okay,” Alec says, setting the drink down on the tray after a sip. Magnus feels the tension ease a bit.  “Just moved it too fast.”    
  
“I’ll go get the draught Cat left behind,” he says, and Alec gives him a questioning look. “It’ll be far more potent than anything I can do. You know her healing magic is the best of the best.” It isn’t a lie. It’s better than anything he can do because he can’t do  _ anything _ , and he has to turn away from Alec almost immediately to hide the tears that sting his eyes. Magnus makes a quick retreat out into the hallway to wipe them away, careful to fix his smudged eyeliner with some paper towels in the kitchen before returning to the bedroom.

“Here. Not quite as delicious as a mimosa but it’ll have to do,” he says, forcing a smile back onto his face. Maybe there was a moment he considered saying something but it’s gone now. Alec huffs a laugh, smiling up at him, and Magnus can’t bear the thought of saying anything to take that away.

There’s a sharp knock on the door that echoes through the loft and Magnus starts at the unexpected sound, despising himself for the flash of fear the surprise carries with it now. Magnus hides it all beneath a carefully crafted smile. “I’ll go get that. You stay here, and eat, and drink every last drop of that. I’ll be back in just a moment.” 

Later, he promises himself, trying not to think about how as much as he doesn’t want to lie to Alexander he has no issues with lying to himself. 

He’ll talk to Alec later.

**Author's Note:**

> (Find me on [Tumblr](http://bytheangell.tumblr.com) )


End file.
